Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
You Might Also Like
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Pass gas, not judgment.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
reviewed some movies recently
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!