Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
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Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Coffee is ready.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
car not found
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
i guess his teacher was really pissed