*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
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Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
u spoke cat all this time??????
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Ha.