This took me a second..
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Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.