To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
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BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.