*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
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The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”