Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
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It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
My nickname in high school was “who?”
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.