Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
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When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.