Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
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ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.