People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
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Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?