[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
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The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.