I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
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I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no