Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
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LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Me irl
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well