Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
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If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
the dark web is just a goth google.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”