If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
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Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
I put the p in pants.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.