Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
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waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
*pokes sex life with a stick
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.