Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
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Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you