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Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.