them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
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People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”