I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
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I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
When you’re Kinky but poor
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative