Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
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Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
gentlemen, hear me out
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Always…
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”