My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
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*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.