My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
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You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
some Old Testament wisdom
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time