God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
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instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
At least try to make it slightly believable
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
A Short Story.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it