the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
You Might Also Like
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”