“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
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Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”