My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
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The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times