That’s no pocket rocket.
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Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
rich people when they have to pay taxes