When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
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The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
December birthdays be like…
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised