ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
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Poetry is my passion
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
How to wake up a Beagle
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner