I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
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[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Welcome
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
The options really are this bad
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!