Vodka burrito was a success
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Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
S/o to @funTweeters .
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me