Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
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I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Wait for it
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Me :
All Day At Night
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue: