therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
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Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
mom had nothing to worry about
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread