PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
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I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
do horses think humans are hats
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups