Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
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A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
I’d rather go liquor treating.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
The days of good grammer has went
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane