Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
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When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
this is the most humiliating day of my life
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”