My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
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My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.