I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
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an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all