My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
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Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
True.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.