When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
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Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
one last job
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Running from your problems is cardio .
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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…
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”