Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
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Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.