[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
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My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.