I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
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1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Made something I’m not proud of
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.