I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
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1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Bit chilly again tonight.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’