Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
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I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
ready to be harvested
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪