the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
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WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
philosophical skeletons be like
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.