Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
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You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*