Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
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Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.