[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
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I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
tourist season
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Cool shirt 🙂
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.